The pandemic has been dominated by the theme of rules. Some of us follow them to the letter. Some of us adapt them. Some of us ignore them. Most who broke the lockdown rules got away with it, others did not. This culminated in Partygate, prompting the ins and outs of rules to make the headlines for several weeks.
We all break rules. The Dalai Lama XIV said, ‘Know the rules well, so you can break them effectively.’ Picasso echoed this, ‘Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.’ Rule-breaking can be seen as a positive thing, a wise judgement.
What bearing does this have on the early years? Practitioners invest lots of time and energy helping children understand rules. It might be tempting to question the point of this. Are we teaching children about rules so they can break them?
WHAT’S IN A RULE?
A rule is a directive for conduct or action. Inherent to many rules is a social responsibility, a respect for others. The Covid rules, for instance, are an attempt to protect both ourselves and each other.
The same premise is at stake when working with young children. We teach them how to conduct themselves in relation to the world around them. We do not want them to pinch or hurt others. We do not want them to damage our physical environment. We want them to value each other irrespective of colour, culture, gender and sexuality.
Our relation to rules changes over time. It goes roughly like this:
- A gradual acceptance of rules in early childhood.
- Conformity to rules in middle childhood.
- Riskier and rule-testing behaviour in adolescence when there is greater peer influence.
RULES IN THE EARLY YEARS
Used well, rules provide a sense of predictability and consistency. They clarify what is possible and what is not. Young children need such limits – this enables them to feel contained. A lack of limits can be incredibly anxiety-provoking.
Eva Crasnow is senior therapist and trainer on the Anna Freud Centre’s Early Years Programme. She says, ‘When we think about young children and rules, what we are actually talking about is children learning about boundaries in the context of a relationship. This learning starts very early in the infant-carer relationship, with cues and turn-taking in feeding, chatting and play.’
Eva continues, ‘Babies often find the breaking of these early “rules” very funny. For instance, when we pretend to eat from their spoon. Their response shows that the baby recognises something is wrong – the adult should not use their spoon!
‘When we think about supporting children with boundaries, it is important to keep that early start in mind. Rooting the “rule” in the relationship is how to help the child use it to their benefit. An example of this is kind hands, whereby we explain that we use our hands kindly. We don’t hit because we want to be kind to our friends, not make them feel sad.’
Young children need to see the reasons for being able to do some things and not other things. Three- and four-year-olds benefit from helping to create rules. If they are involved, they understand what is expected of them and why. Eva suggests, ‘When we hang up our coats, we can ask them, “Will you help me do mine, and I’ll help you with yours?”’
This sort of reciprocity makes a rule feel less like an obligation. Their collaboration will encourage a willingness to follow the rules. This is known as ‘committed compliance’ – the child responds to what they see as meaningful and relevant. ‘Situational compliance’, on the other hand, is when the child is just told what to do and what not to do. It is needless to say which is the most effective.
YOUNG CHILDRENAND RULE BREAKING
Three- and four-year-olds want to feel they are making their own way, working things out for themselves. It helps them develop a sense of agency. This may involve testing the rules. ‘At these times, it may seem that a child is being wilful or contrary. What we must remember is that they are working out who they are,’ says Eva.
While the joy of working with young children is being part of their journey of self-discovery, it also brings its challenges. Eva says, ‘We are close to their strong passions. Our feelings can get heightened, especially around issues of boundaries and control. We need to avoid getting stuck down a “dead end” of conflict with a young child.’
At these times, Eva recommends taking a breath and asking if what you are requiring of them is essential. If it is a safety issue, it is. If not, then try come back at it in a different, more playful way. This can include letting it go. Some may consider this approach as lacking in authority; Eva affirms, ‘It means you are able to keep your cool and model to the child how to find solutions.’ This is a strong position to take.
A battle of wills is rarely useful, whatever our age or stage in life.
RULES AND PERSONAL, SOCIAL AND EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT
Working on rules can be a useful way for children to think about their feelings and those of others. They will help them to develop sensitivity towards others. Given support, they will begin to regulate their behaviour accordingly.
When a child makes a mistake or refuses a rule, the key response is to use it as a learning experience. Practitioners need to enable children to learn for themselves why it is important to follow certain rules. Reacting to it simply as naughty or unacceptable is unlikely to help with the child’s perception of rules.
Taking turns is an accessible and everyday way of initial learning about rules. Supporting children to wait for what they want and controlling their immediate impulses will have long-term value for them. The recognition of being ‘one among many’ is a useful lesson to learn.
QUESTIONING RULES
Young children need rules and limits – this is a given. The EYFS is when we build the foundations for this.
If children understand the notion of rules and their purpose, they will be able to question them later in life. This is equally important.
Toeing the line can be useful, but not all the time. We need to have the capacity to question the rules and rule makers.
Breaking rules for a purpose can be admirable and ground-breaking. We only have to look at Malala Yousafzai to see this.
CASE STUDY: Moss Hall Nursery School, London
Subpreet Deu is a class teacher at Moss Hall Nursey School in the London Borough of Barnet. She tells us about its approach to rule breaking.
Subpreet starts by saying, ‘This year’s cohort have been hugely impacted by the pandemic. We have particularly noticed children struggling with emotional regulation, social skills and their ability to interact with others.’
She went on to talk about B, a child in her class. B is often overwhelmed by her emotions. The child expresses this by bursting into tears. B’s key person helps her manage her feelings. Subpreet explains, ‘B’s key person may say to her, “I think you’re tired” and provide a place for her to rest. Sometimes, B can recognise this for herself, saying “I’m tired”. She then finds herself a quiet place to rest.’
B struggles with having to share toys and equipment. One morning, she snatched a bike from another child. How did they handle this rule-breaking?
At Moss Hall, there is not a rule that says ‘children must not snatch’. The rule is that ‘children are kind to each other.
Subpreet explains, ‘B’s key person approaches her, saying, “I know you really want that bike, but it’s N’s turn now.” She then suggests that B asks N for a turn next. B does this, and it works. From this interaction, B understands that it is her turn next. B’s key person waits with her support until it’s her turn.’
Subpreet adds, ‘We understand that behaviour is something that children are learning and will make mistakes along the way. Our role is to help them manage the difficult feelings when they don’t get what they want or have to wait, and to teach them the social skills that they need.’
FURTHER READING
- ‘Social influence in adolescent decision making’: https://bit.ly/3K0aZnU
- Anna Freud Centre’s Early Years in Mind network provides guidance on supporting the mental health of babies, young children and their families: https://bit.ly/3wYKVWu
- Early Years Learning and Development: Literature Review: https://bit.ly/3x00WLX