To understand the nature of destructive behaviour in young children, it is useful to think about aggression and its meaning. Aggression is not necessarily only negative and does not imply only destructive impulses and actions. It can also be a force for self-defence, an impulse to safeguard and protect oneself or others in situations of danger.
Aggression is innate, and its destructive force depends partly on constitutional factors and partly on the environment and experience. A young child uses aggression as a response to real or imagined threats, as well as to establish control over others. In addition, frustration is one of the principal motives for children to use aggression. With limited means to express their thoughts, wishes and feelings, young children find it very difficult to endure what they feel as impingements or deprivations, and resort to aggressive behaviour to express and impose what they want.
TERRIBLE TWOS
The expression 'terrible twos' is commonly used to describe the frequent explosions of temper and stubborn resistance exhibited by toddlers between the ages of one and three. The enormous number of developmental steps that the children are taking during this period makes us appreciate how many opportunities there are for frustration and annoyance.
At this time, the child is experiencing an increasing amount of separation from their mother. They might be left with a grandmother, childminder, nanny, or at a nursery when the mother has to go out to work, or in the care of older siblings or the other parent when the mother is busy with ordinary household chores.
It is likely that the child has been experiencing the process of weaning, either from the breast or the bottle, learning to handle cups and spoons, and finding out how to eat a greater variety of foods. The child is probably being encouraged to sleep through the night, and perhaps to get used to sleeping in a separate room from the parents. Toilet training has probably started, with its conflict over becoming more independent and self-sufficient, and submitting to the demands of the parents to gain control and achieve cleanliness.
More active co-operation is sought from the child, such as helping to tidy up, during a bath, or while getting dressed. In exploring the environment, the child is intensely curious, and is fascinated by everything new that is discovered.
She will be learning not only what she can do, but also what is not allowed - a great deal of self-control is expected to be acquired. The parents warn against touching plants, breakable objects, electrical appliances and sockets.
As the child is now more mobile and active, the home presents many more dangers from which the parents protect the child, while teaching her to recognise and avoid them. The outside world is also explored with curiosity and interest, but the parents remain aware of numerous dangers and so will prevent the child from running out of the house, crossing the road, and picking up dirty or dangerous objects outside. The child is expected to understand the parents' instructions and warnings, as well as to begin to indicate more clearly what she wants and thinks. This requires an enormous input of effort and energy.
Communication needs to be ongoing and to develop more complex forms, as this enables the child to feel understood and thus less helpless. It makes her more able to connect what she feels and thinks inside with how the parents and others understand and respond. However, very often, and as part of ordinary everyday experience, the communication falls short of its intended aim and the child explodes in a tantrum.
UNDERSTANDING RESISTANCE
Take the example of Matt, a two-and-a-half year old, who is playing happily at a mother and toddler group. It is time to go home, and his mother tells him so and approaches to get him ready. Matt resists her efforts to put on his coat, pulling his arms away and saying 'no'. His mother insists and tells him to put down the toys, trying to take them from him. Now Matt gets angry and starts protesting and crying loudly, his arms and legs start flailing and he screams with rage.
Matt has been brought by his mother to the toddler group so that he can play; he simply cannot comprehend that she should want to stop him now. He has no clear notion of how much time has elapsed, or that other people, his mother included, might have other things to do, such as prepare lunch, or go out to work. His principal concern is to follow his curiosity and to express his needs and wishes.
Matt's mother, on the other hand, is aware that the toddler group time is over. She has other things to do, and believes helping Matt to leave gives him a sense of order and time. She thinks Matt has had quite a long time to play, and now he must respect her wishes.
The conflict is resolved with a little patient negotiation: Matt is allowed a few more minutes, and given the promise of a ride on the swing on the way home. He tearfully accepts, putting his coat on, and leaves, waving goodbye to the others.
His tantrum is the expression of complex and contradictory feelings that he cannot express in words. He does not yet have the capacity to endure frustration for very long, so having to give up the toys and leave the place is overwhelming, because he cannot understand what it means to wait for a week. For him, waiting even for a few hours is nearly unbearable.
CONFLICTING FEELINGS
We can speculate on what happens in Matt's mind: he might feel loving towards his mother when she brings him to a place where he enjoys himself, and yet she turns into a hateful mother when she tries to take him away. Holding such opposite feelings is difficult and the confusion becomes intolerable.
In situations where the adults are not aware of these confusing feelings and the conflicts that they generate, the children are not given the experience of being understood. This leads to feelings of painful isolation, of being bereft and abandoned, even if surrounded by others.
If the adult is emotionally unavailable to receive the pain and rage felt by the child, the aggressive feelings can become excessive. The child uses them as a defence against feeling little and vulnerable, and they effectively keep other people at bay. They can also become turned against the self. Children head banging, or pulling out their own hair, are indications of aggressive feelings that cannot be transformed into more manageable experiences with the help of an adult.
Toddlers need to use aggression to assert themselves and express their intense, contradictory feelings. They also need to test how far others will tolerate their aggression, and it is necessary and reassuring for them to know that limits are firm and reliable.
Well-managed aggression in the early years provides children in later life with the confidence to stand up for themselves, fight for what they think is right, and protect themselves and others from danger.This article is based on a Nursery World 'Behaviour' series by psychologists at the Anna Freud Centre in north London, a registered charity, offering treatment, training and research into emotional development in childhood