For parents, leaving their baby at nursery for the first time can be a huge emotional challenge. Baby room practitioners have the responsibility of making them feel safe and happy, as well as their children.
‘We might have settled hundreds of babies before, but that parent is leaving the most precious thing in their whole world for the first time, with people they don’t know that well,’ explains Mandy Cuttler, head of pedagogy at London Early Years Foundation (LEYF). ‘We have to remember we are not just settling the baby, we’re settling the parents as well. You might get parents that call you a hundred times a day initially. But it's important not to just dismiss them as hard work. You need to understand where they are coming from.’
Caroline Guard, senior lecturer in education at Kingston University, refers to Goldschmied and Selleck's ‘triangle of trust’.
‘Together with a family, you create a dialogic environment in which you are equal partners. So making sure that practitioners are seen as significant members of the room for babies, and parents are equally important, is vital. And within all of that is the baby, the central feature that everybody is trying to ensure is happy, safe and secure.’
STARTING STRONG
The settling-in process is the ideal time to start building strong relationships. Guard says, ‘It should all start from the very first connection you make with the family. It's about making sure that as a team, company and setting, you are open and receptive, listening to the family and respecting the culture, values and beliefs they bring into your setting.’
Early language and behaviour consultant Debbie Brace says early conversations with parents should go beyond basic, fact-based questions and answers.
‘There can be an absence of opportunity to share some worries and concerns,’ she explains. ‘It is important to leave space in interactions for the family story to be told. If we’re only asking, “does your baby sleep through the night?” or, “how many bottles does your baby have a day?”, we’re not finding out about feelings.
‘Sometimes we might ask if there is anything they want to share with us. Of course, they don’t have to, but it is important to give parents space and opportunity to share the story of conception, of birth, or of anything that happened to the family, like a significant bereavement, because they might still be holding on to that experience, good or bad, when they start their baby in a day nursery.’
She suggests asking more open questions, like ‘how do you feel about leaving your baby with us at nursery?’ or ‘how do you think your baby feels about starting nursery?’.
Brace believes knowing as much as possible about where the baby comes from will build the foundation for a warm, trusting relationship. ‘There are two minds involved, the baby's and the parental mind, and it is helpful to understand the extent to which the baby has been held in the parents’ mind in a way that has helped them to develop securely, and the extent to which the baby has been held in a parental mind that has been busy, stressed or anxious, because these difficulties affect the parent/baby relationship which, in turn, affects practitioners. To best provide for babies’ emotional needs, we need to give families the space to tell their story.’
TAILORED APPROACH
Context can be key, and understanding the parents can in turn inform understanding of the child and their development.
Cuttler says she worked with a baby who was making very little attempt to move around. ‘It wasn’t until we spoke to the parents that we found out he had a small playpen he was in all day at home, so there was no space for him to move,’ she says.
Staff spoke to the parents about providing opportunities for movement, and made suggestions such as putting toys just out of reach to encourage him. ‘Once we did that did that, he quickly made progress,’ Cuttler says. ‘When you’re evaluating babies’ development, you need a holistic picture.’
Equally, providing support for parents themselves depends on knowing who they are. ‘You pick your pitch, approach, advice and guidance based on the parent,’ Cuttler continues. ‘Some love to read and research, so you might send them NHS guidelines, or a really interesting study. But for others, you might take more of a coaching approach, asking open questions and making practical suggestions.’
KEEPING IN TOUCH
Consistency and regular communication help allay parental concerns. ‘Information about your setting should be easily and readily available for parents,’ says Guard. ‘And as far as possible, the staff team should be consistent. When you are establishing that key person relationship, make sure you haven’t done all the settling-in with a particular key person only for that person to then be on annual leave when the child starts, for example.’
At LEYF, staff use an online platform to update parents on elements of their child's care during the day, such as food, nappies and sleep, to allow conversations at drop-off and pick-up to concentrate on learning and development.
Cuttler explains, ‘We save pedagogical conversations between teacher and parent for the end of the day, where they can talk about a child's likes and dislikes, interests, what they’ve achieved that day and how that can be extended at home.
‘Parents are busy, and might have had a long day at work, so unless there's anything in particular you want to flag, you can really use that time constructively, with all the practical updates already given via the app.’
CONFLICT
When parents and practitioners disagree, Rachel Pirie, local specialist leader for Birth to Three Bristol Early Years, says practitioners should hold a firm line when it comes to what they know and need.
‘There may be a situation where the setting and parents hold two opposing viewpoints, such as whether to soothe a child to sleep or let them cry. It can be difficult to meet the parents’ wishes if they want to let them cry, because of the impact of a distressed baby on other children and practitioners. You have to find a compromise.’
It is important that both parties can share their opinions and work together, agrees Guard.
‘There are times the relationship can feel like a bit of a power struggle. It can be challenging for staff if parents ask them certain things they might not feel knowledgeable about. So one of the key things in fostering relationships is ensuring staff are really well trained, and feel confident in their skillset.’
It is important to be honest, even when conversations are challenging, Guard adds. ‘There might be times when the baby isn’t settling. Establish open dialogues so you’re not afraid as a practitioner to tell parents when, actually, the baby has had a difficult day.’
Sometimes, parents themselves might need help in communicating. Cuttler describes a situation with a mother whose baby had lost a sock while at nursery.
‘She was very vocal in her displeasure. We tried to apologise, but in the end she actually apologised to us. It was her first child, she was worried about having them in nursery and felt guilty about going back to work. That was where it was all coming from. It wasn’t about the sock at all. And it often isn’t.’
LOVE AND JEALOUSY
Another cause of anxiety for parents when leaving their baby in a setting for large parts of the week can be the fear that their baby will become too attached to practitioners.
Cuttler says practitioners may have to reassure parents that all secure attachments are good for a baby. ‘Some parents are happy with the terminology of love. Some are not. That comes back to knowing them, because usually, if you ask two parents whether they want someone to “love” their child, they might give different answers, but what they see as responsive, nurturing caregiving is not that different. Nobody working with babies is going to refuse a cuddle to a crying child, and I can’t think of many parents who would not want their child to be hugged when they’re upset. So we need the confidence to speak to parents and explain the importance of those attachments.’
Ultimately, although working with parents can be challenging, it provides the foundations of everything that follows.
Hannah Saunders, manager at Snapdragons in Keynsham, says the close relationship forged with parents in the baby room is one of the main things that attracted her to work with babies.
‘I love that parent side of things, because you are their first impression of nursery, you’re the one that they are trusting. I really liked that challenge of getting to know those parents and reassuring them that I will make sure their child has the best time, that they can feel they can come to me with anything.
‘It can be so hard for them, but if the parent partnership is really focused on getting to know them and making sure they love their experience, and their baby does too, it will set them off right on their journey through the rest of the nursery.’