Q: I'm a childminder and find that quite often a child will cry when I pass them to their parent at the end of the day, particularly those from about ten months to two years old. Is this because they are tired and feel overwhelmed, or is it an attachment issue? I feel bad for the parent when this happens and am unsure how to respond.
A: This is an appropriate developmental reaction to change and is not a cause for concern, although it is obviously upsetting for everyone involved.
Children of this age have strong emotions but very little control over them, which can lead to frustration and crying in situations they cannot change, such as an unexpected disruption to their routine or a change in their carer. It may be useful to explore with the parent how they respond to leaving other situations such as staying with grandparents, as this may give you more insight into the child.
Crying is a child's way of communicating their needs. The role of the adult is to work out what the child is communicating and then to try to meet that need. Crying can be a reaction to fear, anxiety, frustration or anger. For example, is the child saying, 'I'm cosy and settled in here and don't want to go and sit in my cold car seat?' The child may feel tired at the end of the day, but comfortable and enjoying whatever they are doing.
REASSURANCE
Children of this age are emotionally vulnerable and need constant reassurance when parents are absent. Separation anxiety starts for children at around eight months and continues in some form until they are about five years. It is important to take the child's intense feelings seriously - if the parent or carer isn't there, how does the child know that they haven't gone forever?
Young children don't have the words to express their emotions and they need help from a caring adult to enable them to develop their own stress regulatory systems and deal with their fears and anxieties.
When a child is distressed and crying, the stress hormone cortisol is released which then affects the body and brain. When the child is soothed, comforted and reassured by an adult, he starts to feel safe again, his cortisol levels reduce and he is able to relax.
If the adult responds regularly in this way, the child is gradually able to develop self-regulation. This is essential for children to learn how to manage their feelings in an emotionally healthy way.
ATTACHMENT
Is this is an attachment issue? All children need to develop a healthy attachment by gaining a sense of security in the presence of another person, usually a caregiver, so they can develop a 'safe base' from which to explore the world.
Attachment behaviour is elicited mainly when the child needs care, support or comfort. The development of trust at this age is crucial to making an early secure attachment. Consistency, stability, security and reassurance are vital so the child can develop a sense of basic trust in the predictability of the world and in his ability to affect the events around him.
For example, if he cries when he's hungry and gets fed, then he learns that his needs will be met; he feels safe and develops trust. Children who develop a firm sense of trust at this age are those whose parents and carers are loving and respond in a predictable and consistent way.
TRANSITIONS
I would encourage you to consider the routine of the child's day and what they are doing before the parent arrives. If the parent arrives to collect the child at roughly the same time each day, then you can incorporate this into the structure of the day.
For example, always have a quiet time singing songs or looking at books before they arrive, so the child begins to associate this time with the arrival of their parent and it is less of a surprise for them. It can be useful to play a particular music CD so they start to associate the sound of this with the arrival of their parent. You can offer the parent the chance to take the CD to listen to in the car as a way of linking up the two parts of the child's day for him.
If you are unsure when the parent will arrive, ask them to text you en route so you can start to prepare the child for their arrival with the same consistent end to their day. This can be putting anything they have made into their bag, collecting their daily diary and offering calm, clear and soothing explanations to the child so they know what is happening - for example, 'Let's put your special book in your bag so that mummy and daddy know all about what we've been doing today.'
A daily diary can detail briefly what the child has eaten, how long he has slept, what he has done during the day and how he has felt. Relaying less information verbally to the parent will free you to focus on the child and respond to his cues, an essential aspect of his feeling safe, and so achieve smoother transitions.
Be aware of any anxiety surrounding you and/or the parents when the child is collected, as he will absorb this and start to feel unsafe and anxious, which he may express with crying.
It is also useful to explore how the parent leaves the child with you at the start of the day. Is the handover rushed and the parent tense? If so, encourage the parent to stay for a few minutes when they collect them and perhaps choose a book or object for the child to take home overnight to ease the transition. The child can be involved in choosing this, which helps to reassure them they are coming back to you again.
If you respond to this situation with empathy and reassurance, the child will develop a far less fearful response to life and be psychologically stronger. The parent needs emotional support from you as well as practical suggestions, explanations and reassurance that this is an appropriate developmental stage which they will progress through, just as they progress from crawling to walking.
Cath Hunter works as a freelance play therapist across primary schools in the north-west. She was a nursery nurse and childcare lecturer before qualifying as a play therapist in 2004. See www.therapeuticfamilyinterventions.co.uk