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Say thank you’, ‘Did you say sorry?’, ‘Where are your manners?’ are phrases overheard frequently in the vicinity of young children. Likewise, ‘I said sorry’ and ‘It was an accident!’ trip off the tongues of young children all too easily – ‘sorry’ being used to mean ‘end of story’.
We live in an age where a public apology – or lack of it – whether by an unfaithful footballer or a world leader is never long out of the media. Sorry is also a word that can be used aggressively – the commuter ‘sorry’ that is used to push you out of the way, regardless – or as a substitute for ‘Pardon?’ Altogether, this makes it something of a confusing word and notion.
In a coffee shop, I witnessed a grandmother bringing her granddaughter, aged around three, a babycino with mini marshmallows floating on top. The child’s face lit up and she beamed with delight – she knew that she had been given something special and was showing gratitude for it, albeit without verbalising it. The grandmother, however, became fixated on her granddaughter saying ‘thank you’: the child’s natural and unmistakable appreciation getting lost in the fuss that ensued. Would a quick ‘thank you’ have been preferable?
Parents in general want their children to grow up polite and well-mannered, but it is worth reflecting on what this actually implies. What is wanted from children? Is it good enough for children to know when to say ‘sorry’, ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, or is it something more than this? Is it that a huge beam of delight when receiving a treat is worth less than a reflex ‘thank you’?
COMMON CONCERN
Maybe we could see this grandmother’s response as generational – back in the day, children knew their manners and that was that. However, in the 1930s, according to the letters of Nursery World readers, it certainly was a concern.
Susan Isaacs, writing as Ursula Wise in her parenting column on 1 April 1931, was asked about this by correspondent Anxious, worried that her daughter ‘forgets to say, “Please” very often. When this happens I either say, “Is that the way to ask?” or “I should say ‘please’” (in quite a friendly way), and she at once corrects herself.’ Anxious continues, ‘It is so disheartening day in and day out to find she does not improve, and I shall be most grateful if you can help me in any way.’
Wise replies, ‘The whole question of training in politeness is a delicate one. If one cares only for obtaining the form of politeness, the actual words “please”, “thank you”, “sorry” and so on, one can as a rule get these by strict demands and punishments. But obtained in that way most of us would feel they were quite worthless. The whole point about these conventional modes of speech is surely that they indicate a real wish to please others, and a real sense of considerateness and friendliness.’
She continues, ‘The state of mind, if genuine, will last on through life and ensure happy social relations wherever the child goes. The form of words, unless it springs from friendliness in the mind, will only last as long as we are there to demand it. This attitude of mind cannot be made to appear in the child on demand.’
RESPECT AND THOUGHTFULNESS
For Ursula Wise, politeness and good manners grow out of having respect and thoughtfulness for another person. Such sincere behaviour, however, cannot happen overnight.
As with most behaviours, it often starts with the child’s experiences in their home environment. It might be that the adults’ relations with each other are generally sympathetic and considerate, though not necessarily over-populated with ‘please’, ‘thank you’ and ‘sorry’. On the other hand, it might be the case that saying ‘please’, ‘thank you’ and ‘sorry’ may be prevalent in the family home but may not be said in a context of having a genuine regard for others.
That is not to say, of course, that it is a matter of one of these contexts or the other: having respect and thoughtfulness towards another can be complemented by the words – not lip-service but a genuine verbal expression fitting to the situation.
FOSTERING CONCERN AND EMPATHY
Being well mannered and polite is, fundamentally, one aspect we have of relating to each other and creating positive connections. At the heart of saying a genuine ‘sorry’ is a regret for hurting or offending the other person’s feelings or integrity – basically, it involves an element of feeling bad about it and wanting to make amends.
For this to happen, we need the ability to feel empathy for another person. If, for instance, a young child kicks or bites another child when playing, it is important that they learn something about the emotional hurt as well as the physical pain that might have been caused. This can then lead, over time, to the child beginning to feel remorse for the offence and wanting to help the other to feel better.
Approaching a situation from the point of view of fostering concern and empathy for another is a long-term endeavour, though hopefully with the benefit of having equally longstanding benefits. For those parents and practitioners who do not opt for instilling an unconvincing ‘sorry’ into children, it does not imply that there is a permissiveness or that they are ignoring unacceptable behaviour.
BEST PRACTICE
Here are a few ideas on how to foster considerateness and empathy in young children:
Talk about opinions and emotions
Most young children will need help naming and articulating these. ‘I can see you’re disappointed…’, ‘You thought it was OK to…’ and so on. Identifying personal thoughts and feelings is the first step of children being able to recognise them as their own and to process them.
Being able to name and think about emotions can help children to develop the capacity to control their impulses, or self-regulate, enabling them to say, ‘I want a turn with the car next’ rather than grabbing it or hitting another child. If this does not happen, they can be left in an inchoate state, overwhelmed by their emotions and thoughts.
Talk about different emotional responses to various situations and points of view
It is never too soon for children to see that regular day-to-day living involves differences and conflicts: it is the handling of them that is the important thing. This will help children gain an understanding that life is not harmonious, as well as develop their abilities in tolerance and resilience.
Share books, TV and films
Empathising with the characters even in the simplest of books and TV programmes is a good way in for young children to learn about others’ feelings. They can identify with the characters without it being too close or intense.
Discuss any conflicts
After a conflict, discuss how everyone was feeling during it, what they were left with, and how they then felt having spoken about it. Again, young children will need help and guidance to do this: ‘It looked to me that you felt frustrated when…’, ‘Once we had talked about it, you seemed to feel differently about…’
CULTURAL REFLECTIONS
Good manners and politeness can have different expressions and meanings across different cultures. Perceiving a child as being rude or lacking in manners might be down to not understanding cultural difference. It is noticeable in the 2016 film Lion that the little Indian boy Saroo says ‘thank you’ in English: has an English culture of manners been overlaid onto Hindi?
In the Sylheti dialect, spoken by many Bangladeshi people in England, ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ certainly do not trip off the tongue, as the words are completely absent. It seems that children and families learn the pleases and thank yous through exposure to more formalised or institutional settings – for example, if their parents work, or have been to university in Bangladesh, or by having contact with schools and cultures in the UK.
THE LAST WORD
‘Sorry’ can indeed at times be the hardest word – it is complex and often ambiguous. As we have seen, ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ also have complexities. The important work with young children is to help them learn something about the real essence and function of expressing sorrow, gratitude or making polite requests. This should help them find their own authentic expressions of these things. Surely this is preferable to churning out a drill bereft of any true meaning or connection?
Caroline Vollans is a teacher, psychoanalyst and author of Wise Words: How Susan Isaacs Changed Parenting