Q. We have a little girl (21 months) in our nursery who has just entered the 'no' phase. Everything we ask of her is met with a no: wash her hands, have lunch, put on her coat, tidy up ... And she's becoming increasingly forceful and determined not to do what we want, either waving her arms around or batting us away. Why do children go through this phase? Is there anything we can do to keep the next stage of her reactions from being a full-blown tantrum?
A. The 'no' phase is a challenging stage of development and it can be an exhausting time to work with children of this age, when everything may start to feel like a battle. However, this phase is essential for a child's healthy sense of independence and autonomy. It is the foundation for children developing a strong sense of themselves.
At this age, saying 'no' is a promising sign of developmental progress. It shows that a child has opinions and feelings about things. Toddlers become frustrated by all the things they can't do, and saying 'no' is a way of standing up for themselves and asserting their needs.
It is important to try to imagine how the child feels, and imagine, as adults, how we would feel if someone had complete control over us all the time. We might be tempted to say 'no' to things too.
Children need to go through this phase as a way of becoming more independent and learning to state their needs. Trying to be in control is an important part of their development, and they need to test the boundaries with the adults in their lives in order to feel safe.
When dealing with challenging behaviour, it is essential to try to hold in mind the child's feelings and relationship issues, as well as just their behaviour. For example, is the child in question generally happy and liked by other children? Or does she struggle with the world and is she unsure how to make friends? Such reflection will give you a greater understanding of why she may be feeling the need to be in control so frequently, and will help you identify areas in which she may need some additional support.
COMMUNICATING FEELINGS
Children are highly complex beings but do not have the language skills to communicate their feelings effectively, which can lead to outbursts of challenging behaviour. The little girl may be more tired or hungry at certain times of the day; either of these will intensify any negative emotions. Hunger disrupts a child's hormones and activates their stress hormones, which may result in aggression and anxiety being expressed.
Her 'no' responses are a protest triggered by her strong feelings of frustration and disappointment, which she is unable to put into words. Her physical responses of waving her arms and trying to bat you away are her way of communicating more forcefully her need for space and independence. Her feelings need to be met with sympathy and understanding wherever possible.
ADULT BEHAVIOUR
It is essential that the nursery practitioners manage their own feelings about the child's behaviour, as she will absorb the adult's anxiety and learn 'I am unpredictable; adults can't manage me; therefore I don't feel safe'. Responding negatively will trigger anxiety, and anxious behaviour, in the child, whereas playful and light responses will most likely result in a calmer and happier little girl.
The adult's role is to provide children with a sense of safety, comfort and security at all times. So, if you feel your own anxiety levels rising, take a few deep breaths or ask another adult to take over. Such a situation must not turn into a power struggle, with winners and losers, as this is unproductive for everyone. But bear in mind that it can be easy for battle lines to be drawn or to reach stalemate before we have even realised what is happening.
TECHNIQUES
I suggest a variety of responses for dealing with children during the 'no' phase. Distraction is a wonderful technique for children of this age, which can make the child feel curious and interested in something else. It reduces stress and anxiety for everyone concerned and is a creative way of managing the child's feelings. For example, if the girl is resisting washing her hands, ask: 'I wonder if Megan can turn the taps on by herself?'
Launching into a song can also diffuse a potentially explosive situation, especially if sung in a playful tone - 'This is the way we wash our hands, wash our hands.' It is a good way of distracting a child who is building up to a tantrum.
Progress can come from using compassion and understanding to help a child manage their feelings. This can be done by making any tasks into a game - for example, 'Who can get the most toys into the box? Ready, steady, go!' - and rewarding the child's efforts with praise and encouragement.
Counting down from five to one, or using a bell to signal different times of the day, can be helpful for children who struggle with change, providing a more gradual transition from one activity to another. Try to keep the child's perspective in mind, and think of how we feel if we are doing something quite happily and then suddenly have to stop.
Wherever possible, give the child a choice. Let them have some input into the decision making - for example, 'Would you like to put away the bricks or the train? Would you like to sit next to Sam or Sara for lunch?' By giving them a bit of control, you may alleviate the child's need to try to control everything.
Talk to the child's parents, as well:
- Check that there haven't been any changes at home, as even small changes can cause a child to feel anxious and may result in them displaying more controlling behaviour. A child's behaviour is often a barometer of parental stress, as children are deeply affected by pressures or unhappiness in their family.
- Reassure them that their child saying 'no' to everything is simply a phase, just as constantly asking 'why' is a phase, and that their child will grow out of it.
- Recommend that they adopt the strategies that you will be using at nursery, to ensure a consistent approach.
- Explain that it is important not to thwart their child's efforts at exerting their independence. If the 'message' to the child is that their needs don't matter - as everyone else is making decisions for them - they may stop asking for their needs to be met, resulting in a lack of confidence and low self-esteem.
- Try to make them aware of their own anxiety. Explain that the more stressed they are, the more anxious their child will become. A parent's love and approval are essential for her mental health and well-being.
Young children who are totally compliant may grow up lacking a strong sense of identity in adulthood. While they may be good at adapting to the needs and feelings of others, they may be unsure about what they want and feel. A strong will, on the other hand, is a powerful characteristic, and saying 'no' at this age will help enable children to stand up for themselves and state their own needs later in life.
Cath Hunter works as a freelance play therapist across primary schools in the north-west. She worked as a nursery nurse and childcare lecturer before qualifying as a play therapist in 2004. Visit www.therapeuticfamilyinterventions.co.uk