A lot of my colleagues - and parents at my nursery - insist on children saying 'sorry' when they have done anything 'wrong'. Some children are quick to fall into the routine of saying what is expected of them, but those that are reluctant or bewildered are asked repeatedly until they 'apologise'. To me it feels wrong but am I right to feel like that? How old are children when they begin to understand 'sorry'? And what is best practice before and after children are of an age to understand what an apology really means?'
I dealt with an issue like this when I was an LEA adviser. I was called in to talk about a two-year-old whose behaviour was so challenging that the nursery was considering excluding him. When we discussed the problem, one of the things that the staff mentioned was how, even before he'd said sorry, he would cuddle the child he'd hurt and almost immediately go and hit someone else.
We looked at the triggers for his behaviour, how little time the children spent outdoors, the routines that meant they were expected to sit for long periods, too little available floor space and insufficient equipment to share. We also talked about how realistic it was to expect small children to say sorry or to be asked to explain the reasons for their behaviour.
Disputes between toddlers are almost always due to them wanting the same object. These disputes are an important part of the development of their social skills.
REMORSE AND EMPATHY
At what age do children understand what 'sorry' means? The Oxford English Dictionary defines the word as 'feeling sad or distressed through sympathy with someone else's misfortune', 'filled with compassion for', 'feeling regret or penitence' and 'used to express apology'.
I don't believe that children can really feel remorse or understand the consequences of their actions until they can feel empathy. Empathy is the ability to put oneself in another person's place; being empathetic means that you can sense and identify with what another person is feeling. According to Piaget, the ability to take the perspective of another, as well as to understand the relationship between cause and effect, is not fully supported cognitively and emotionally until at least age six or seven.
I believe that humans are naturally altruistic and that young children can show occasional spontaneous empathy. However, what todders are generally showing is distress about their own - not others' - feelings. So, rather than empathising with a friend who is hurt, a toddler may simply match the friend's mood and begin to cry.
We want our children to be kind and to have a positive impact on the people around them. It can make us angry when children hurt someone, especially a younger child. We believe that saying 'sorry' helps them to understand the consequences of their actions. Yet 'sorry' is often just an empty word that doesn't actually take away the hurt feelings (or body parts).
Young children are very egocentric. They may have learned that by saying sorry they elicit a positive response from the adult. This does not necessarily show remorse or empathy. It just demonstrates they know how the rules of the game work. They cannot fully understand right and wrong, cause and effect or intentional versus unintentional actions because they only see things from their own perspective.
Children's brains are wired to imitate the behaviour of those they love, but before the pre-frontal cortex of the brain that regulates actions, empathy and the ability to reflect starts to develop they will rely on instinct, impulse and imitation.
When we humans think we are in trouble, the brain can literally shut down. I have seen children freeze when they are caught doing something wrong and when the adult addresses them they say nothing and show no emotion. This can be wrongly interpreted by the adult as defiance, but by insisting on them following rules that they do not fully understand, we risk making children feel bad. This may lead to them learning that they can bring about an end to this bad feeling by mouthing uncomprehendingly the word 'sorry'.
DEALING WITH CONFLICT: TOP TIPS
As professionals our goal should be to create an environment where our children are not made to feel shame for things they are not yet ready to understand. It is our responsibility to model the behaviour that we want them to learn. Recognising emotions is a cornerstone for developing empathy so as children's language skills develop it is important to talk to them about their feelings and allow them to begin to recognise and label them.
These are my tips for how to deal with conflict:
Before it arises:
- Look at your environment and daily routine and think about whether it is causing problems
- Watch out for possible triggers and use distraction techniques
- Do you have enough equipment for the children to share?
- Do you have procedures to ensure all the children get a fair turn?
When conflict arises with non-verbal children:
- Take the child away from the source of aggression
- Redirect their attention to something else
- Be firm. Tell them that hitting/biting hurts and is not allowed
- Tell them that the other child feels very sad/hurt as a result of their actions
- Praise them when they are behaving appropriately.
When conflict arises with verbal children:
Children's ability to resolve conflicts increases as their verbal competence and ability to take other perspectives grow. So, if the children involved in a dispute are verbal and empathetic, practitioners may find the High Scope guidelines helpful:
- Approach calmly, stopping any hurtful actions. Place yourself between the children, on their level; use a calm voice and gentle touch; remain neutral.
- Acknowledge children's feelings. Say something simple such as, 'You look really upset'; let children know you need to hold any object in question.
- Gather information. Ask, 'What's the problem?' Do not ask 'why' as young children focus on the problem rather than understanding the reasons behind it.
- Restate the problem: 'So the problem is...' Use and extend the children's vocabulary, substituting neutral words for hurtful or judgmental ones if needed.
- Ask for solutions and choose one together. Ask, 'What can we do to solve this problem?' Encourage children to think of a solution but offer options if the children are unable to at first.
- Be prepared to give follow-up support. Acknowledge children's accomplishments - for example, 'You solved the problem!' Stay nearby in case anyone is not happy with the solution.
Many conflicts do not involve aggression and children are often able to resolve their disputes. Practitioners should provide appropriate guidance, yet allow children to manage their own conflicts. Perhaps we should finish with a verse from Elton John:
'It's sad, so sad
Why can't we talk it over
Oh, it seems to me
That sorry seems to be the hardest word'
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