Young children play because it is the only way they know how to express and understand their feelings about themselves and their world. Though play has many meanings and functions, here we shall focus on how children use play to register and contain feelings. Play involves all the human emotions Shakespeare put into his plays - love, jealousy, shame, betrayal, sadness and rage. When a child is able to explore feelings and concerns through play, they slowly develop reflection, thinking and creativity. When feelings are unbearable because they are too real, as happens for those who experience loss, play can become muted, overly repetitive or out of control. Adults can help children who are unable to use play to adapt, provided there is effective communication between home and nursery.
Play and emotions
As nursery school teachers know, children's play often reflects concerns about what it means to be a boy or a girl; a baby, a child or a grown-up; or disapproved of or loved. These situations create passionate feelings in nursery children. Being able to explore them safely through play allows children to tolerate strong feelings and develop ways of controlling the impulses occasioned by such feelings. The sense of safety that permits exploration of these themes begins even before children go to nursery. A baby's first game, peek-a-boo, is all to do with play-acting how it feels to have mummy go away and come back. It is no wonder this game evokes giggles, tears or fright. As children get older we expect that they will enjoy playing alone as well as in a group. When a child can do both, this is largely a reflection of the safety gained from the earliest relationships.
However, there are times when a child is unable to use play to master overpowering feelings, as in the case of Rob, below. When this is observed, communication between parents and carers is crucial for helping a child towards safely using play to explore even the most upsetting emotions.
Rob's story
When four-year-old Rob's father moved out, guns and swords became even more central to his play. Though boys of three to six often become interested in weapons to show they are tough, Rob's use of weapons was also so he could hurt other children. Rob invited boys at school to 'fight', and many of them were excited at the prospect only to lose interest when it became clear Rob really wanted to hurt them. On one occasion when the teacher put a stop to all make-believe fighting, Rob carried on trying to lash out at the others. While his teacher spoke to him, he bit his tongue, unleashing a shockingly loud cry. When the teacher said gently she knew how much that hurt, she had done it herself, he tried to hit at her and cried more loudly and angrily.
Rob's parents' grief and guilt about their separation have made it hard for them to help him with his overwhelming feelings of loss. For them to acknowledge how sad and angry he feels would invoke the guilt they are trying so hard to steer clear of to survive this new phase. Since Rob's sadness is even too much for his parents to bear, he has translated this to mean that his feelings really are powerful and destructive. This has left Rob ashamed of all sad feelings, as shown through his attitude towards hurting his peers and towards his teacher when she offered empathy.
For Rob to be concerned about himself and his peers, he will need strong adults who can empathise with his wish to hurt others while prohibiting him from actually doing it. Rob feels hurt about the change in his family, but because he has not been given a chance to express these feelings, he is showing his hurt by trying to hurt others. When a child loses control and really hurts someone, their distress can easily lead to feelings of helplessness when adults are not able to help make sense of their feelings.
In other situations parents can use humour to help their children manage strong feelings. In the case of Jean, below, the birth of a new sibling spurred feelings of hate. When a parent can offer sympathy in response to rage, the feelings are normalised for the child, and take on less power.
Jean's story
Three-year-old Jean's mum was expecting a baby. One day her mother overheard her telling a doll, 'That Mr Fatty baby will want to play with my toys - well he better not!' For the first two months after the baby was born, Jean and her mum would occasionally indulge in a laugh while they called the much-adored new baby 'Mr Fatty'.
By joining in with Jean's joke, Jean's mum was able to help her bear the part of her that hated the baby. By acknowledging Jean's negative feelings towards her brother and understanding her sense of being displaced, Jean's mum helped make her daughter's feelings manageable. This helped Jean appreciate her brother, whom she grew to love as a new playmate.
Another way adults can help children explore through play is by just being with their child in a calm way. As we see in the vignette of Daisy, below, her pleasure in being with her mother allows her to pretend she is the mummy when she plays.
Daisy's story
Daisy often liked to stand on a stool while her mother did the dishes, squeezing out sponges and pouring water into different cups and pots. At nursery Daisy would play mummy, enlisting another child to be 'her daughter', showing her how to wash dishes. When the dishes were done, Daisy told her friend, 'Well done, when you grow up you'll be a good dish washer like mummy.' Through this play, Daisy repeated the pleasure she had when she had helped her mummy by switching roles, becoming the mummy who shows her child a new skill. Through this play, Daisy could manage the feelings of having so many new things to learn by pretending to be the grown-up who shows a child how to do a household chore.
To sum up
Children grow to understand more about who they are when they are able to use play to explore their feelings of love, hate, envy, shame, satisfaction, disappointment, anxiety, sadness and anger. In helping children to explore their feelings through play, it is important to remember that it is not the feelings themselves that are a problem, but how they are managed. Becoming self-aware depends on developing skills to manage one's feelings without acting on them.
When adults are unable to acknowledge a child's powerful feelings, a child disowns them, denying their existence just as the adult has done. This makes the feelings much stronger, as they were for Rob, who perceived that his feelings threatened his parents, and this made him feel even more out of control. When a child's play shows how out of control they feel, nursery staff may be able to assist parents in trying to determine the underlying emotions behind the play. NW