Adults make many decisions in children's lives. Sometimes it would not be safe for a child to choose and sometimes they would not have enough understanding to weigh up the alternatives. But that leaves many instances when children can make a choice.
Your support as an adult can be in helping to highlight a choice and being honest about the options. As a nanny, you need to be clear with the children's parents about circumstances when there is no choice or possibilities are definitely limited.
WHERE AND WHEN?
Making choices in aspects of daily life supports young children in their growing self-reliance.
* Children can make choices about what clothes they wear. If you have a busy morning timetable, it can help if you and the children lay out their clothes the previous day. You may need to explain to four-year-old Harry that certain kinds of clothes are appropriate for nursery or school.
Dressing-up outfits can be stylish options, but are not children's 'work'
wear.
* Children like making choices about food, and you can encourage them into healthy-eating patterns by involving them in menu planning and food preparation. Cooking activities present them with a wealth of choices, from choosing what food to make to finding the recipe and picking different flavourings or toppings.
* Children also learn when you involve them in shopping for food in the market or shops. A wise nanny chooses words carefully and avoids saying, 'Pick what you want,' especially near the crisps and biscuits department.
You might say, 'Pick whatever fruit you would like,' or state limits such as, 'You know Mummy lets you have one packet of crisps a day. We're buying for five days, so that means you can pick any five (hold up your fingers if children are still learning their numbers) little packets.'
* Children like to feel involved in their days, rather than having adults make all the plans. Away from home, there are many choices to make about where to go. But even time indoors presents choices, such as which of two television programmes to watch for relaxing, or whether to draw, play board games or do cooking when the television comes off.
It is, of course, possible to overdo choices. Young children's eyes will glaze over and they will cease to express an opinion if too many points in their day require a decision from them. So, do consider the overall balance and be ready to ask, 'Would you like me to make a suggestion?' or 'Shall I choose this time? I'd enjoy that.'
Children will also soon work out when they are not being offered real choices. How many times have you been in the high-street shops and heard children being asked, 'Which jumper would you like?', followed by, 'Don't you think the red one is nicer?' or similar persuasive pressure. It is wise to avoid questions such as, 'Are you sure you want I?' or 'Wouldn't you rather I?' Such comments are usually a way of trying to bring a child round to the adult's preference. Honesty remains the best policy, and if there are boundaries to a choice, perhaps of money, time or family ground rules, it is only fair to tell a child about those limits before they get their heart set on, for example, a beautiful book that is way beyond the budget.
LIVING WITH CONSEQUENCES
Part of children's learning is living with the consequences of their choices. Yet you do need to weigh up whether it is fair to let natural consequences run their course and when you should 'rescue' children. If Rory has impetuously spent all his pocket money on yet another plastic collectible, then you can sympathise if he has second thoughts later that day. However, it will not help Rory to think twice in the future if you buy him another toy that he says he 'really, really' wants. On the other hand, if Rory's purchase is broken when he unwraps it, it is a good use of your adult skills to help him go back to the shop and request a refund. Rory can learn that consumer rights apply to children too.
Children learn steadily to take some responsibility for their own care.
They may like to be fully involved when they pack a bag to stay overnight with a friend or on a visit to Granny. But it is not realistic to expect young children to anticipate all the items they require. You may need to check essentials like night clothes or a toothbrush are in the bag.
Some decisions can be hard, such as when a child struggles to choose between two trips for the day. You can remind them that both outings can happen some time this week; it is just a question of order. Perhaps some information is relevant, for instance, 'The story teller is only at the church hall today. But we could have a picnic any day this week. If we decide not to picnic this afternoon, it's not gone forever.'
Adults cannot assume that young children are able to anticipate all the consequences of a choice. It might be, 'Let's see how heavy the library books are. I know we can borrow this many. But I'm not sure if we can carry all of them along with the shopping.' Another example might be, 'Let me check the time. I agree that the prettiest route is past the big oak tree, but that will take us another ten minutes.' It would be unfair to hold a young child accountable for aching arms or making their brother or sister late for school.
Sometimes, you can show children that you have recalled a previous choice that was not possible at the time. You might say, 'I'm sorry we couldn't take the pretty route yesterday. But we've got plenty of time this afternoon. Would you like to take our oak tree route?'
When children have siblings and cannot get their first choice every time, you will need to be the umpire, even to the point of keeping a discreet note of 'who chose the board game yesterday'. Children can manage a certain amount of give and take and waiting to have their turn, so long as they are confident that the adults with them will ensure fairness overall.
Once children join a nursery class or a playgroup, they find themselves up against many more children who have their own preferences about the story that is read or the songs that are sung. Perhaps three-year-old Clara tells you sadly, 'I never get my choice at story time.' First, she is in the process of learning that it can take a while to get your say in a group setting, compared with family life. But also you might realise that quietly-spoken Clara needs help in making her choice heard. And perhaps the person taking story time in her nursery is not adept at noticing the less outspoken children. You may need to have a tactful word on Clara's behalf.
CASE STUDY
Nicholas is nanny to three-year-old Marie and five-year-old William. Two recent experiences led him to reflect on his practice.
Marie's parents asked Nicholas to take her to buy a new pair of shoes. They stipulated that they should be well-fitting and good-quality. But within that limit, she could chose whatever colour and style she liked. In the shop, Marie took a liking to some sturdy lace-ups, very suitable for her active choices of play. The shop assistant said firmly to Nicholas, 'But these are boys' shoes. They aren't for girls.' Nicholas took the line that the assistant was being foolish. He was later supported by Marie's parents.
Marie liked the shoes and there was no problem.
On the other hand, Nicholas was experiencing some doubts about the parents'
instructions on diet.
The children's parents are committed vegetarians and do not want the children to deviate from this. Nicholas has always followed their wishes.
But he has had doubts, asking himself: 'Is that fair? Shouldn't the children be able to eat what they like until they are old enough to choose?'
The shoe incident has made him see things in a different light. He now realises that an equally logical argument could be that meat-eating families are denying their children the right to be vegetarian - a choice that might be very dear to their hearts later in childhood. Nicholas sees now that he being swayed by what he believed to be 'normal' just as much as the shoe shop assistant who was so keen that girls should not wear 'boys''
shoes.