Jealousy can be better understood and dealt with if it is seen as a sign of some insecurity a child is feeling, writes Penny Tassoni
Jealousy is an amazingly powerful emotion which most of us have felt at one time or another in our lives. Such is its force that many a writer has used this emotion as a basis for a good plot - Shakespeare's Othello, Joseph and his rainbow coat in the Old Testament, and even Harry Potter all rely on a good dose of jealousy.
Sadly, in real life, jealousy can ruin lives. Early feelings of jealousy that have not been reconciled can persist into adulthood and threaten relationships. So understanding the nature of jealousy and its effect on children can be very helpful for early years practitioners.
Feelings of insecurity
A good starting point is to understand that some jealousy is linked to feelings of insecurity. Children who are sure of other's affections find it easier to cope when attention or time has to be shared. In children's early years, adults provide them with security, and so having to share adults is often a cause of jealousy. Later on, some children will find it hard to share 'their' friends and may prevent others from joining in play.
Unfortunately, this can lead to a cycle of rejection whereby the child who desperately wants to have friends finds it hard to be sociable and so is rejected by those they want to be with. This experience in turn can make them more controlling in future friendships.
So where do feelings of insecurity come from? In children's very early years, insecurity can come from the quality of attachment that a child has made to their parents or major care- givers. While the majority of babies make secure attachments, some do not, and may show both clingy and indifferent behaviours. It is thought by child psychologists that the nature of children's first and subsequent early attachments will provide them with a 'working model' of what relationships are about. These are thought to gradually become more refined with experience, so that by the age of five years, most children have learned set behaviours in relationships and have learned their own way of interpreting other's behaviours.
This means that, while one child who asks to join a game and is told that it is nearly over will simply accept that as the truth, another child may interpret it as a signal that they are not wanted and feel frustrated and jealous as a result (see box).
Rivalry at home
Most children experience some feelings of jealousy at home. In some cases this is sibling rivalry. In others it may be triggered by the advent of a parent's new partner. At these moments, children often show behaviours that link to their uncertainty and they need strong reassurance that their relationship with their primary carer has not changed.
Snatch and grab
Sometimes, we may see that very young children attempt to grab playthings from other children, regardless of what they have themselves. This is sometimes interpreted as 'jealous' behaviour, but it is more often than not linked to children's stage of development, as the child is not yet ready to understand the needs and feelings of others.
In home situations, 'snatch and grab' can be about establishing roles within the family. Older children sometimes take objects off younger ones and then give them back, almost as if to show who is the stronger one.
Love and attention
So how can we help children to overcome feelings of jealousy? First of all, we must understand that children do not choose to be jealous. Strong feelings of rejection, anger and frustration are not happy feelings for children. It is therefore important for adults to encircle these children with love and attention and to look for ways of making them realise that they are valued. This is not always easy, in the face of sometimes quite strong behaviours shown by the child, but it is essential.
Research by Mary Ainsworth and others seems to show that children gain security from having adults who are responsive to their needs. This means that practitioners need to spend time getting to know young children well. This highlights the importance of having systems in place that allow children to build special relationships with children.
Allies and companions
Second, it is important for children to learn to see others not as threats or rivals, but as potential allies and companions. In practical terms for early years practitioners, children can be encouraged to do things that require another child or children to make them enjoyable - for example, playing on a see-saw or parachute games.
It also means looking to check that we are not creating systems that divide children or encourage them to see others as rivals. We must avoid making direct comparisons between children and be careful that tangible treats, such as choosing stickers or being first to pick a toy or to feed the goldfish, do not get out of hand and create a competitive environment.
Instead, it is useful to teach children to enjoy other's achievements. One way is by having group celebrations so that all can feel the benefits of being with others.