Just consider. You must fascinate 1,500 children, from 75 countries, from first years to 6th form, from pondlife to genius, all in various states of rage, gloom and fatigue. Moreover, your English department will mock your every clanking platitude.
Only a rare few can do an assembly, like my old brilliant heads, Maggie Pringle and Gayle Keller, who held the assemblies spellbound with wit, warmth and empathy.
I had a go once and sounded not unlike like Alan Bennett’s vicar in his murderous “Take a Pew” sermon (your homework is to check it out on YouTube) – an exercise in sublime bathos. His fabulously hopeless ramblings explore the Bleedin’ Obvious with some venom, containing such insights as “Life is like a tin of sardines, we’re all of us looking for the key – I know I am.”
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